Her name was Lianny - Part 1

Sometimes , I sleep throught out the whole night, its magical. But there are nights like this where all I can do is stare into the darkness, hoping to eventually doze off and get some "rest". It's 2:00 am, when I woke up I thought it was 4 or 5, but no... so it's gonna be a looooooongg night!

What should I ramble on about today? Errr, tonight I should say....

I guess I'll start off by sharing a story with you... Did I ever mention that this is my second pregnancy? Yup, second. Her name was Lianny, she was due June 23, of 2010. And I miss her every day that passes by.

So now, you're probably a bit confused... let me bring it back a bit. I found out I was pregnant with Lianny on August 2009. I was 19... young, confused, and "in love". I bet you can tell by the quotations that it was only temporary, huh? Well, anyways, it was a scary time to be pregnant. I wasn't married. And that was my mistake, not waiting till I was married, but we all know that... At the time, I was still living with my parents, still trying to find my independence, but I guess that's a different story. So, I had a postive pregnancy test one day (I'm not sure what made me take a test in the first place, I wasn't having any significant changes in my body at all, just a hunch I guess?) Once I saw the unexpected "+" on that little piece of plastic, I needed reasurance. I would sneak off to my Dr appointments, hoping my parents wouldn't notice that I was obviously hiding something from them. So finally it was confirmed, I was pregnant.

And the first thoughts that ran through my mind... "My dad is gonna kill me!" LOL!

I'm pretty sure that's every "teen mom's" first thought. Then it was the "How am I gonna tell everyone?" and I'm sure you know the rest.

When it came time to tell my parents, I figured it would be easier to tell my mom first. She was the more "understanding" parent. Suprisingly, she took it rather well. Which looking back, I needed her support more than anything. (She's an awesome mom- I love her dearly). She eventually broke the news to my father and he didn't take it so badly either. Don't get me wrong, disappointment was written in his face, but I guess he thought "It happened, what else can I do?"

You'd think that the rockiest part would be telling my parents, but no, it was telling my boyfriend at the time. He is a tad bit immature. For some reason, when I told him over the phone, he thought it was a joke, though there was no laughter in my voice. He felt the need to see for his own eyes a positive test. Why? I don't know. I guess he wanted to make sure I wasn't making it up? Although, what kind of a psycho would I be? Once he was sure that I was indeed pregnant, he didn't really change his immature ways like I had hoped for. The relationship was already rocky prior to this, so I was hoping this would make us, not break us.

Eventually, (around February 2010) he asked me to marry him, which I guess it's expected. Now, I'm not saying he didn't really love me, I don't doubt that he did, but he's just a boy. He was only 19 at the time. No job, no education, no planned future. He was your average teenage kid. And he was scared. Hell, I was too. But he tried, I can't say that he didn't try to adjust to becoming a father. I just think that he didn't know how. I said yes to his proposal and I began to get used to the idea that I was gonna be a wife and mom in the next 9 months. Crazy, huh?

February 5, Thursday, I began to notice something odd. I was 18 weeks pregnant, and I noticed a tiny tiny spot of blood in my underwear. I ignored it thinking it was nothing, because there was so little of it. The next day a gush of liquid came out. I thought I had peed my pants (Sorry if that's TMI). I called my dr and they told me to take it easy the rest of the day and to call if anything changed, so I did just that. The next day, same thing. Not as much liquid as the night before, but still a significant amount. I started to get worried so I called the dr once more, that's when they told me to go to the labor and delivery and that they would meet me there.

I arrived at the hospital... That's where my nightmare began.

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I'll finish this tomorrow. I don't want to make this too long. And my emotions are getting the best of me right now. Goodnight everyone. <3

xoxo- jenni.